2023/01/20 What’s inside my box? And the answer is…

Eating Disorder.

According to the NHS definition, It is a mental health condition where unhealthy eating behaviours are used to cope with complicated feelings and issues.

I have suffered from an eating disorder for six years, from 2010 to 2016. It starts in my high school. When an eating disorder strikes, I eat a lot more than usual.

I’m born into a traditional Asia family. Of course, My parents love me. But they also want me to become a “good girl” conventionally, be acquiescent and be gentle. As the time I grew up, I felt lost in my way. On the one hand, I am still in the “good girl” field, making everyone feel happy except myself.

On the other hand, I’ve realised I can have different roles in my life. Not just someone’s daughter. The change in my mind made me feel stressed. However, I couldn’t do anything then because I was just a teenager. Food is the only thing I can control.

Therefore, I start to eat a lot. It is a lot. I can eat a big size pizza by myself for lunch or dinner. After that, I also eat cake, cookies and sugar. “Eat” has become a heavy duty in my daily life. I felt my stomach has a hole. It can afford anything. But apparently, it doesn’t. I throw up, eat, and throw up again—a vicious circle.

Meanwhile, my parents didn’t know I was sick. They just thought I’m just hungry because I was a teenager. A teenager should eat a lot.

I felt shame to tell anyone I’ve got a mental health problem. Because there has an invisible rule for fame in traditional thought: “a girl shouldn’t eat a lot.” It is a wrong thing, but I hadn’t realised that. Therefore, I keep using food to cover my anxiety. And I tried to draw my feelings.